Thursday, November 02, 2006
Hey, Hey ya'll
I know I haven't been here for a minute but I just don't get a chance to be on the internet the way I used to be. Damn job actually has me working and what-not! The nerve of some places of employment. They hire you and then actually give you something to do to earn you money. Well, I graduated on the 27 and it rained on my damn head. I had just bought new shoes and they got soaked. So let that be a lesson to me.

So what has been going on with me? Well aside from having a better paying job that gives me benefits (and no I am not satisfied. Still looking for a better job, I just can't help it.) and all that jazz, I am still on the hunt for a better apartment. The people at my job can be cool but still a little funny (and not funny--haha).

*Beloved and I are alright. Don't ask me how for how much longer but what can I say. It was a good run and "Je regret rien!" He hasn't decided if he wants to stay here and find work with what he is learning in school or go to FL. to be with his father.

*Big Sis is spazing out about her boyfriend/baby's father. Last night she calls me at two in the morning to ask me to go on line and see if I can find his myspace page. At first I thought she was joking but then I realized that she had better be serious waking me up at that damn time in the morning. But then I told her that if she is going through all of this that she really needs to leave that dude alone. He is making her crazier than she normally is! She said that she is finding all this "proof" of him cheating on her but she just wants to catch him. Yeah I did the Scooby-doo sound too! I then told her that if she isn't careful that she is gonna need a cootchie transplant and they don't offer those yet! She laughed and then gave me another site to check out. So it looks like I will have to start putting aside bail money or maybe I should put up some commissary.

*Prince now thinks that everything I say is just so damn funny. I can't stand it, every time he does it I am two seconds from beating that ass. But his grandmother tells me that he can't help it and that it is just a phase that he is going through right now. I think that a belt to that ass will help him along. But I shouldn't say that because my friend *DQ just got her job act ACS (child services in NYC).

*P, my father has promised to get me a car but I have yet to see that come yet. He promise lots but actually delivers little. All I can do is just wait to see if he'll actually deliver on this one. I never asked him for a vehicle but he said he'll give me one.

Not really much going on over here but ya'll know I will keep you informed. Shit, I gotta go. I heard someone call my name, they trying to make me work again. DAMN THEIR EYES!!!
posted by JamaicanQueen at 4:01 PM | Permalink | 7 comments
Saturday, October 14, 2006

I may repost what I previously tried to post later. It was about love lost, anger, new found riches and all that good stuff! Aww who am I kidding? My life isn't that interesting.
posted by JamaicanQueen at 10:15 PM | Permalink | 6 comments
Saturday, September 16, 2006
*Doing the Dance of Joy*

Yeah I know I am so showing my age because I am showing that I used to watch a show called "Perfect Strangers". But that is not the point of this entry. The point is that I tried to wait it out and I cried and I prayed and I finally just let go and My G-d, My G-d, did not fail me.

As some of you know my last day of school is next week Thursday and my graduation is on the 27 of October. Now normally this would be a good thing but my job is for students only. Meaning that I will lose my job shortly after the day I stop going to school. Even if I signed up for school again (which wouldn't be until January) I would be out of work at least until then. I was crying because I was about to be so broke (more than I am normally) and winter is coming and with no money this was gonna be a harsh one. But I finally got offered a new position with my job that is salaried!!! It doesn't pay over the top amounts of money but damn it, it pays!!! And it pays regularly!!! I am so damn happy.

My graduation is coming and ya'll guess what I am a candidate for VALEDICTORIAN!! I am so excited. I had no idea that I was even in the running. I thought my G.P.A. was too low (3.84) for it but I guess not. Well I gotta go. I have to write some sort of speech for the ceremony that is due on the 20th and I haven't started yet. Well I have an outline at least. I'm not that bad.
posted by JamaicanQueen at 10:24 AM | Permalink | 8 comments
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Lowered Expectations...
I get hurt very easily. I put up a brave front and try to make others think that I am tougher and harder and alot more callous than I am.

With *Dammitman, he used to be able to make me cry at the drop of a hat. The things he would say to me would make it hard to think that this was the same person who told me that he loved me for years. My expectations from him are that he tells me that he is going to do something for our son and I expect it. I expect him to behave like a human being and for some reason he disappoints me at every damn turn! I need to lower my expectations. At the end of the day when my son doesn't have school shoes no one will look for his father and say, "What the hell is his problem." They will look at my barefoot child and say that I am unfit. Not fair but it is the truth.

With my mother, I expected her to raise me and be there for me when I need it. What in the hell was I thinking? She had my grandmother raise me. And when I (used to) try to confront her on it she would tell me that I had a selective memory. I don't think so. To this day I remember bits and snatches of my mother being around. My grandmother always was there. I need to lower my expectations of what I wanted her to be and come to the realization that she was the type of mother that she was. And nothing in my bitterness will change that.

With my "friend" *Wagon-maker (he hates that name...all of a sudden, but I have called him that since we were 14), I expect him to behave like a friend. We have known each other since I was 13. We were just about as thick as thieves in high school. For some strange reason he now acts as if I am the one who is avoiding him when he doesn't call me and he has walked past me in the street. I am tired of being the only one who is "trying" to remain friends. Even though he goes through so much to tell me that he values our friendship. Yeah the hell right. He sure doesn't act like it.

Hell right now not even *Beloved is immune from this rant. He comes to my jobtoday and when he sees me he asks what is wrong I tell him that my head hurts. He says that he is going to see his friends and go to the movies. I ask him before he leaves if he can run out and get me something for my headache. He tells me that he has to meet up with his friends. I just had to walk away from him. Because I was just so gonna cuss him out. I need to lower my expectations of what I think a caring significant other does. I feel that since his friend is always late the one time that I ask him to do me a solid before he has to go somewhere (only because I couldn't get out of my job for another few hours) he shouldn't have minded. But what in the hell was I thinking? His friend will damn near trip over himself to get to his girlfriend for the simplest shit. I don't try to pull this with *Beloved. Not because I wouldn't get it (and I know that is what you are thinking *L) but because that is not my personality. I don't harass him when he is with his friends but his friend's border line psycho chick does. But damn if he (the friend) doesn't show more devotion to her. I guess I need to lower my exoectations of what I think shows that someone cares.

I know some may say that I shouldn't lower my standards for anything but when you are so used to having your feelings hurt because you expect the best out of people and they only give you the worst it kinda makes you jaded to everything. Maybe if I stop looking for the humanity in people and start paying attention to how people act and treat me instead of how they tell me they feel.
posted by JamaicanQueen at 5:40 PM | Permalink | 11 comments
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
No Touchy...

While I was work today this guy was standing with (I would hope) his girlfriend. Now this wouldn't stand out so much but he was just standing there just a squeezing her breast like he was at home. The funny thing about it is that she was just letting him. Now the other person who was on desk with me pointed it out and I said (maybe a bit) loud that I would have slapped the living hell out of him.

Let's be real we have all been molested (the type from a significant other)in public and it wasn't a big deal. But those little grabs are when the other person doesn't see anyone looking and it is only for a second. This dude was going over board and he started groping both of her breasts in the middle of the room. She was clearly embarrassed (the poor girl turned beet-red) but that didn't stop him from doing it. I would have pushed his hands off and if that didn't work I would have proceeded to "dus 'im to frazzle."

It was just so damn sad the way he was treating her like she had no feelings about the whole situation. I mean she was trying to get away and he was just trying to hold her down to continue his groping. He didn't stop until he noticed that we staring at him and I had picked up the phone to call security. Then he looked at us like we stole his cookie. That man needs to be ashamed of himself.

I know that my *Beloved touches and pinches but that is when no one is looking and then it is only for a second. The bold grabs are only done behind closed doors and then that is something different. I can't see how she could be with someone who didn't respect her body. But then again I was with someone who didn't respect mine for a time. I just hope that she will realize that this guy is a loser and make him stop that shit. Because I swear I was embarrassed for her.
posted by JamaicanQueen at 8:06 PM | Permalink | 6 comments
Thursday, August 31, 2006

World`s Greatest Lover? Maybe not.

I shouldn't be looking at stuff like this when I am at work.
posted by JamaicanQueen at 3:17 PM | Permalink | 0 comments
Thursday, August 24, 2006
How to eat sugar cane...
Do you remember reading the book "The Women of Brewster Place?" Well in the beginning of the book, Butch was telling Mattie Michael how to eat sugar cane. He basically told her that when you are eating it you have to chew it just long enough. Well it was more like he was telling her that she had to know when to stop chewing so she wouldn't end up with a mouthful of straw that does nothing more than irritate the roof of your mouth. He told her that she would have to stop chewing just before all the flavor was gone, right when you know that the last bite is gonna be the sweetest and it almost eludes you.

The purpose of this entry is not to talk about sugar cane. It is meant to make me and any other readers know when to let go. The above was only to make you think about how hard you try to hold on to something that is no longer working. Sometimes you work so hard at trying to keep something going because you think it makes sense but it really is just causing pain in the long run.

I have been giving a lot of thought to the way I have been holding on to things in my life that have been hurting or at least showing that they are going to start hurting me and I have been trying to figure out how I could change myself so that it wouldn't. I have come to realize that I need to stop worrying about making myself change to fit when no one and nothing is going to change to fit me.

I have to stop thinking about how I want things to work out when it will never be that way. I would like for everything to be rosy in my life but it is just not gonna happen. I would like for things to go smoothly but it doesn't work that way. I have held on the things and people in my life that have done nothing more than hurt my feelings continuously and damn it, it is my fault. I allow these people to stay and affect me.

I am seeing for the first time in a while that I let others determine my mood and that isn't right. Yesterday, *Beloved told me that I haven't been to same in about three weeks and I didn't even notice. I have been letting my internship, school, work, my son's father, my lack of success at finding another job, and lack of sleep get to me. I guess I do have a full plate but me walking around with it showing on my face isn't gonna stop it. All I can do it let go and let GOD.
posted by JamaicanQueen at 2:26 PM | Permalink | 4 comments