Monday, October 31, 2005
Frankincense and Myrrh
I went to church yesterday with *Empress. It was a Rasta church. I never knew they even had an actual building for worship. I liked the experience. I got a little woozy from the incense burning and the fact that they burn so much of it that the air is literally thick with it. That and they MAKE you inhale the incense by shoving into you face. It kinda makes your throat dry and so does the chanting but I actually liked it. I asked *Empress how long she had been Rasta, and she told me that her family is Rasta. In fact her uncle is a "Nyah-bingi" priest. She told me that she used to attend an Ethiopian church but decided that this one was for her. So if I actually decide to become a Rasta, I'll have to give up red meat (which I was planning to do anyway), start keeping my hair covered, and only wear skirts (but it gets cold out here). I think I can live with that, they (Rastas) believe in Jesus anyway so I wouldn't traveling far from my own faith. I do have to investigate this some more, but who knows maybe one day I'll be blogging as *JamaicanEmpress.
posted by JamaicanQueen at 1:51 PM | Permalink | 2 comments
Thursday, October 27, 2005
A Nice Can of Shut the Fuck Up!!!
"You're kinda cute for a dark-skinned girl..."

I heard this on my way to work today running from school. Now normally my "kiss my entire ass" mentality would have kicked in but I wasn't prepared for that to come out of his mouth. So instead I simply hissed at him through clenched teeth "get the hell away from me!" I told a friend of mine *DarkskinQueen, and she told me I should have all but cut his ass. No instead I simply wished I had found away to market my new product..."SHUT THE FUCK UP". Now see I've got this planned out, my product would help people do just that. No more random ass-whoopings cause you couldn't. Hell you could even purchase this product for that co-worker who won't do just that! I mean the sales would be through the roof!!!

I even thought about making the product come in different flavors; even an ass-flavored one for the more stubborn. I mean it should even come in the hot or cold varieties. I even have a commercial for it. See picture it.....

Guy one: "Damn son, I don't know what wrong with me. I lost my job cause I told my boss to kiss my ass, my girl slapped the shit out of me and then broke up with me cause I told her I wanted to fuck her sister, and I got my ass beat by the po-po cause I called him a crakka-ass crakka! I don't understand it is like my head thinks one thing and my mouth just runs with it."
Guy two: "Yeah dun, that sounds fucked up! But yo, I'm bout to let you in on my little secret that keeps me from getting into trouble like that. My sister put me on like a few years ago. It is called Shut the Fuck Up!. I mean I don't nearly get my beat anymore and I don't say the stupid shit that pops into my head! I tell you, dun, this shit is a life saver!"
Guy one: "For real?! Yo son, I need some of that where can I get some?"
Guy two: "I hook you up for sho!!!"

~~~~~Two weeks later~~~~~~~~~~
Guy one: "Yo I haven't gotten my ass whipped in like...Two whole weeks! I love that shit!"
Guy Two: "See I told you that this is the truth!"

See I told you I got that shit locked! Now all I need is a sucka..I mean an investor for my product.
posted by JamaicanQueen at 2:34 PM | Permalink | 2 comments
Monday, October 24, 2005
To use or Not to use.....
I have been giving a lot of thought of the process of using someone lately. I know that in a “civilized” society everyone uses someone else or something to benefit themselves in some form. Don’t get your panties in a bunch, everyone does it. See look an example: You use your job for money and your job uses you for labor (sometimes cheap depends on your job). This arrangement is legal and no one calls foul. In the immortal words of my aunt *J, “One hand washes the other, but they both wash the face.

I know I use people, hell I tell you who I use and be proud of it. I use my boyfriend for affection and companionship, I use my son as a second childhood and to show me the things that I would normally miss, my son’s father as a provider for my *Prince and when I’m at work free babysitting, my siblings as future possible organ replacement (Just kidding, none of us have the same parents so I would die if I tried to take their shit).

My problem hasn’t been with me using people but them using me. Now I know since I use people in my own way I should have no complaints about them doing it to me. And normally I don’t but lately I have been noticing the actual using. I know in life that in life sometimes you get to be the “dick” and other times the “asshole”. I know this, I understand this, hell I feel this. All I am saying is that if it is my turn to be the “asshole” lube me up first. You know be gentile, use the warming kind. I’m sensitive. Make me enjoy you using me, hell if you can’t do that then at least make it so I don’t mind you doing it.

My point in this entry, is for those who think that I don’t know am being used, I know! I normally don’t mind but now you are being grimy with it. You only want me around when something can be had from me. I am not going to confront you about it nor will you hear another word out of me about it. Just know that 1. Karma is one hellified bitch and 2. I always kiss until I can kick!
posted by JamaicanQueen at 10:51 AM | Permalink | 1 comments
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0. and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.5 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?


Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.htm" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7

Good Luck,
Tech Support
posted by JamaicanQueen at 5:08 PM | Permalink | 3 comments
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
My Darling Prince
This is for my son.

Before you were born, I didn't want children ever. I didn't think that I would be a good mother. I knew I had no patience and that scared me to think that I might be responsible for someone else.
When I found out that I was pregnant, I was scared and didn't know how I would tell your father or my family. I was in college and your father had just gotten his job. We were not capable of taking care of you. Everything in my body, mind and most of my family told me not to have you. In fact, the day I was going to have the abortion, you moved. I was so shocked that I just felt that I should let you stay since you chose to come to life through me. I was amazed by the fact that I could actually feel the life in me. I walked out of that clinic that day and into another part of my life that began with you.

During my pregnancy with you, I was amazed by how you changed not only my body but my mind. Before you I was war-ish and mean spirited. I guess that is because I felt I had nothing to live for. But with you I had new meaning. Even though right now, you father and I are not together, we were before you were born, during my pregnancy and for a few years after that. I want you to know that if nothing else you were conceived in love.

You were born on Mother's day in 2000. I didn't know it was Mother's Day for about two days after but I guess you would be considered my first Mother's Day present. You were so small and wonderful and I wondered how something so small and weighing less than a bag a sugar could kick me the way you did. *those kicks would hurt*
For the first time in my life I understood what unconditional love actually felt like. I looked at you and cried because seeing you made me feel more complete than I had in years. I knew at that moment that everything you would do, I would rejoice in it as if these accomplishments were directly mine.

As you've grown I have actually been amazed at how much you have literally morphed before my eyes. I still wake up expecting to see you in a crib. And as you grow more independent from me it hurts but I know that this is something that you need to do. When you were a baby you needed my help for everything now all I hear from you is "But Mommy I can do it!". While that brings tears of joy to my eyes it also brings sadness to my heart.

I have watched you change from a lump in my stomach to a beautiful little boy. I couldn't wish for a better little boy if I tried. While I wont say that you are or were an angel your whole life I will say that you certainly looked like one while you were committing your little nefarious deeds. I love you *Sunshine. You are the most perfect thing I have ever created.
posted by JamaicanQueen at 2:55 PM | Permalink | 0 comments
Monday, October 17, 2005
My diet starts now!
Fat ass!!

That is just sad and nasty!
posted by JamaicanQueen at 11:12 AM | Permalink | 2 comments
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Because Joy tagged me....
I know it has taken me few days to finally get around to this. But I have a good reason and it was because my school term just started up again. So I had to get the new schedule and fix my job schedules to match. But I'm back and learning how to type correctly. But that is a different blog all together. And now with the List.

7 things I plan to do before I die:

1-I want to be happy: For some this isn't that big of a deal but for me I would hope that this doesn't elude me. Not saying that I'm a miserable person.
2-Travel: I want to go further than my home country and not have to worry about the cost of anything.
3-Be at peace with myself: I want to come to grips with the fact that I'll never be a "perfect size 6". I am not saying that I think I'm obese by any means I just can't help those moments when I feel insecure about myself.
4-Have a career: Right now I work yes. But I have two jobs. To me a job is something you do because it pays the bills. Not something that you actually love doing.
5-Own my home: I want this because I grew up in a house that my grandmother owned. I want my son to have a home in a house with grass that he has to mow.
6-See my parents in the same room: My parents were never married (at least not to each other) and I would like my parents to at least both agree on how much I have changed over the years. The tension is so serious with my parents. Once I was in the hospital and my mother wouldn't even ride in a car with my father to come see me. Yeah it is that deep.
7-Find my peace with my creator: I was raised Pentecostal and in some ways I still am. But as I have gotten older I have come to see some of the hypocrisies that are in the church. Before I die I want my bond with the creator to be complete.

7 things I can do:
1-I can roll my stomach: Yeah like a belly dancer. My godmother still teases me about that.
2-Hook up a weave: Hell I have worn enough of them that I should know. I am so happy I am out of that trap now.
3-Speak French: I took seven years of it. I better be by now. Funny thing is I can't speak "gypsy" (that's like a Jamaican pig Latin, can't do it for shit)
4-Remember totally useless information: For some reason weird things just stick in my damn head and never leave. If anyone is ever on "Who wants to be a millionaire" make me your life line. I swear you wont regret it.
5-Laugh at myself: If I bust my ass on a patch of ice in the winter, as long as I have not broken anything(and I probably would still laugh) I'll be the one laughing the hardest.
6-Do a handstand under water: I used to be on the swim team and sometimes there was nothing better to do.
7-Spin around not get dizzy: I think this might be because I used to spin around a lot as a kid. Didn't get dizzy then still don't now.

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex:

1-aggressiveness: Now I'm not talking about that whoop that trick aggressive. I mean that when he says do something you do it not because you are scared half to death but because he just got it like that.
2-Faith: It is a wonderful thing for a man to realize that there is something higher than himself.
3-Patience: I know that I can be a trying heifa sometimes...nuff said
4-Education: It doesn't have to be from an actual building of learning but it could be self taught. But I want him to at least have read a book. And understood it.
5-Wide shoulders: I can't explain this one but damn it I like it...
6-Cooking skills: I want a man who can cook or at least will try to. Now the Queen can burn but even if he can only make me a turkey sandwich and a cup o' noodle he'll have a place in my heart.
7-Some kind of mechanical skill: I want to know that if the sink is leaking I wont have to pull out the inflatable raft and oars.

7 things that I say most often:

1-Wow-zers: Don't ask. I picked it up
2-Hi luv: If I say this to you it doesn't mean anything I just call everyone luv or cookie.
3-You need to be kicked to sleep: I will say this to anyone who gets on my nerves.
4-Dude: I like this because it can be used for any situation.
5-sure: I will say this if I have no idea what you are saying and/or I have no intention of doing what you ask
6-Cool beans: I don't know why but I say it when I am in total agreement.
7-I want to go home: I am so used to being outside because of work and school that I say this even when I home. Sad but true.

7 celebrity crushes :

1-Don Cheedle: I don't care what anyone says, this man is hot! I feel in lust with him when he was in Rosewood.
2-Larenz Tate: I just love me some him. I have loved him since he was in the Women of Brewster Place. He was one of them bad ass kids. Yeah how many people know that one.
3-Omar Epps: I still will watch Love and Basketball over and over.
4-Jet Lee: Yeah I had to get the Asian dude in there.
5-Adrian Paul: Yeah token white dude.
6-Terence Howard: Yeah he's married to a Becky and his last role he wanted to "whoop dat trick" but he's still sexy as FUCK!!!!
7-Ky-Mani Marley: Yeah he's rasta and I would have to adapt to the weed smoke (sorry herb) but for him I'll give up some salt and meat.

7 people I want to do this :

1-Diva girl
Well that's all cuz I don't know many people who actually have blogs. I finally got this up for ya'll. And damn if this wasn't hard.
posted by JamaicanQueen at 6:20 PM | Permalink | 3 comments
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Hey all, today is my birthday! I know I should be happy or excited but I just can't bring up the emotion. Bklynnative and I are gonna go to the movies and maybe get something to eat. *Beloved is going to take me out tomorrow, and even *DammitMan offered to get me something. I guess I should be happier but I'm just not. I guess it is because another year has passed but I have yet to actually accomplish anything. I have nothing to show for the however many years of my life. And quite frankly it sucks. I will now go back to work and wallow in more self pity. Thanks for coming.
posted by JamaicanQueen at 9:31 AM | Permalink | 3 comments
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Ode to *DammitMan
When I met you I was a 13 year old freshman in high school and you were 17 and a senior. I used to get to school early just so I would see you leaving the weight room while I pretended to set up my tenor sax (not that it took long) and watch you from the corner of my eye. When you finally noticed me and gave me your pager number I just knew I was the shit! I look back and realized I fell in love with you then. Anything you asked of me and I would have jumped to do it. And I did. I was completely willing to follow you with my eyes wide shut.

I got pregnant with our child one week before my 19 birthday. We were "celebrating" you having a new job, a stable job. We thought we were ready for that responsiblity. It has proven harder than we thought. But I don't regret having your child. I fact I think if I got a chance to do it over again, I probably would, just at a later date. You are a wonderful provider for our *Prince.

During our time together we have experienced a lot. You have actually watched me grow up. I have actually learned alot from you. I learned that love isn't supposed to hurt. That I love you wasn't shouldn't come after a push through a table, or a punch to the face or shove into the wall. Those words shouldn't come before you ask me for sex (or should I say demand it because if I refused I got the above) or tell me you want something.

An apology. It shouldn't be followed with " It is your fault you made me ...." nor should it be done after three days of you making me cry. An apology shouldn't make you wonder when it will be said again because you now the person will hurt you, physically or mentally.

When you cheated on me last year, I thought my world would end. That I would die and I should just crawl into a hole and let me body decompose because that's what it felt like I should do. But eventually the world started spinning and I realized that without you I would be alright. The moment you saw that I no longer wanted to die from the lack of you being around, you decided to come back. But this door was closed. Now longer would I listen to you tell me that no one wanted me and that without you I would fail because I had no real education and no support besides you. I woke up one morning and realized that I had all the love I would ever need the love I was born with...the love of myself.

While we were together I let so much of myself fade into non-existance that everything you wanted and did I thought was for me. I rejoiced when you got you jobs, promotions, hell anything. I rejoiced so much that I was blinded to the fact that I had nothing and was going to gain nothing from your joys. I wont say that you didn't provide for me but I don't think you were ever in love with me. You purchased what I needed, but I paid for them in other ways. I cleaned for you, cooked for you and your family. I did whatever you asked for without a thought of what was in it for me at the end of it.

I learned what love is not because you showed me but because you showed me what it shouldn't be. It shouldn't hurt and it wont make you cry. Love while not always returned wont make you want to curl up and die. I can't say that I don't love you, because I aways will. You are the father of my only child. But I am no longer in love with you. It feels really good to let go of something that is hurting you. For a long time I thought it was better to have a man than not have one. Even if that "man" is making you feel like you are dying a little every day. I am happy to know that I finally realized that I no longer need you or any other man. I know that I can want one but never need one.
posted by JamaicanQueen at 10:48 AM | Permalink | 2 comments
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
This sucks....
I just got the rusults from the interview for my promotion... was denied. They told me that they were happy about my interest in the position and that I should I apply at a later date for another position. What is the salt in the wound that is this refusal is that they have the damn nerve to tell the person's name who did get the position. I just would like to wrap my fingers around her neck until she decides that she no longer wants the position and they offer it to me instead. But I guess that would be a little violent.

I went to my uncle's wedding this Saturday. It was nice. I am so happy for him but I guess I'm feeling alittle bitter because I was with my son's father for twice the amount of time he was with his now wife and they are married. I finally saw all of my relatives ( from my mother's side) in one place. We even got along. My grandmother was so pleased. We usually argue or something but surprisingly not a single fist fight broke out. Two couples even got engaged at the reception. *grumble-grumble*

I have a discussion with my son's father let's name him um....*DammitMan. Now back when we were together that was a good thing. After sex I would be like *DAMMITTMAN! And pass out. Now when I see him and he wants to have one of his talks that just end up with me hating him even more it's like *DAMMITMAN, leave me the fuck alone. But any way he wants to tell me why he want to have sex with me again. Not why he wants to be back together, not why he still loves me. Just why he still wants the ass. Basically he says that he misses it and he is used to it and I should (because he said so) just ante up the panties. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Right. So after I laugh in his damn face he gets all pissed off. Whatever!!

But hey that has been my past few days. Come back for the next installment of Jamaican Queen unhappy life!
posted by JamaicanQueen at 12:02 PM | Permalink | 0 comments