Friday, December 30, 2005
What I wanted

When I was very little I imagined I would grow up and my father would find me (I didn't know him as a child, that's another story all together) and tell me I was a princess and my cousin would be very jealous of me and all her bullying would no longer matter.
Needless to say this did not happen. As it turned out my step-mother (the second one I had as I would find out...Another story also) would make him meet up with me. And he wasn't a king coming to sweep me off my feet but a short sanitation worker with more kids.
After that I started imagining my future as something I could control. I fantasized about me growing up going to high school meeting the my high school sweetheart, we go to the same college, marry our senior year and all that jazz. We would get careers in a wonderful company and we save up a lot of money and travel a lot. After that we would settle down and have our 2.5 kids, our cat that remain wonderfully kitten-like, and a condo (because I want to live in the city) that would be the envy of all who knew us.
Needless to say this is not how it worked out. I wind up having a child with my high school sweetheart my first year of college, he dupes me into thinking we'll get married later (I guess so I would keep the child), I stop school because I want to raise my child and because I was told that he would work for US so not to worry about it. Looking back I was as fresh as shit in a cow field. What in the hell was I thinking?
Now I see myself as something different. All the dreams I had for myself have just about disappeared. I no longer see myself with anymore children, I see myself alone. Yes, I know I am with *Beloved but I am starting to see that at some point I am going to want more than what he has to offer me, not because he won't want me but because he won't be ready. And I know I'll become bitter trying to hold on to him while I wait however long if ever for him to give me what I want. I see myself with no husband (not that I need one but I personally like the feeling of being in a partnership, as long as it isn't at the expense of myself) and with a child who wants to be with and around his father more than with me because his father is the fun one. I merely wash his clothes and take off of work and school when he is sick. I am the one who washes his ass and creams it so his excema doesn't flare up. But he wants to be with his father. I help him with his homework at the expense of mine and sleep. I carry him to school, yes literally carry him because he falls asleep while en route but his father has the x-box so I guess according to a child he is the better parent.
At this point in my life I am trying not to become bitter about what paths I have led myself down. I know everything happens for a reason. Everything is a learning experience as *Bigbrother has told me. I used to live by the saying "Je regret rien!" (I regret nothing) but I am finding that as I sit back and look back what I have done and went through I could have done it differently. The only problem is hind sight is 20/20 and no one can go back to fix it.
posted by JamaicanQueen at 10:15 AM | Permalink | 7 comments
Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Now if you haven't noticed I don't really speak about my family because I am not really that close to them. It isn't that I don't love them or they don't love me, we just aren't all that close. It could be because I feel like I was always meant to bear the drama my mother had left and my family needed someone to blame for her idiocy. Who better than her first born child. The holidays were never really good for me. I don't like the commercialism, of the holiday and I can't stand everyone just running around going "What did you get me?". I am broke. And having seven siblings does not help at all.

At least it didn't snow. I hate that white shit from the sky. It is cold and everything looks like crap afterward. I hate it when that shit falls from the sky. The street look like hell. There is garbage all over the place. Nasty as hell. But I guess some people love it. Not I though.
posted by JamaicanQueen at 11:47 AM | Permalink | 3 comments
Friday, December 23, 2005
I'm gonna have to meet him at the train station...

Yes ya'll the Queen is threatening damn violence. I just finished my term at school and I got my grades in today. I received 3 As and a B+. I am fit to be tied! The father sucker gave me a B+!!!! That man can kick rocks for all I care. He knows he ain't right. I got a 92, 102 and alright I got a 60 on a test. But damn it no one passed and I was one of the people who got that damn close. He knows he needs his ass cut! Playing around with my damn G.P.A., I should cut him! I would leave work right now and whip his ass if I wasn't on desk duty! If I still got my period I would slap him with a bloody tampon! That Fucker!!
posted by JamaicanQueen at 3:01 PM | Permalink | 4 comments
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Teach the kids respect

I was getting on the bus yesterday and this little badass boy was just cussing up a storm because people were bumping him because he wouldn't move out of the way. Now I tried to be nice to the little bastid since he was obviously dragged up instead of raised. I kindly asked him to excuse me while I tried to pass him by since he obviously had a monopoly of the spot right next to the front door of the new MTA bus. You know what that little shit told me? That little bastid said well move your fat ass in then. I nearly lost my damn mind! Then he told an old lady with a cane that if she bumped him he was going to push her old ass off the bus. *His words not mine* That is what sent me over the edge. I look at the little boy and told him he needed his ass cut! And he said he was gonna slap me. Good Lawrd, ya'll if I could have reached that badass little shit! I would have let him hit me just so I would have had a reason to chip his damn teeth! I swear, that little boy just don't know who he was fucking with!
See, I realize now that I had time to think about it, it isn't his fault that he is like that. It is obviously his parents fault. Now when I say parents, I don't mean just his mother and or father. I mean who ever takes care of the little shit. I mean someone somewhere has to love his fucked up ass. It is that person's fault that this little bastid has no damn home training. All I can say about that is I just wish someone would tell me that my son was cussing out older folks like that. I swear I would break my damn foot of in his damn ass!
posted by JamaicanQueen at 8:44 AM | Permalink | 3 comments
I forgot to tell ya'll
A few posts ago I put up a picture. This picture.

I forgot to tell ya'll what it really is. The picture looks to us grown folks like a two people getting a groove started. What it is supposed to be is seven dolphins. You are not to look at the light areas of the picture but the darkened ones. I've marked them below.
posted by JamaicanQueen at 8:26 AM | Permalink | 1 comments
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
It is too damn cold

I hate being cold. I have always hated it. It is currently 18 degrees in NYC right now. And I am hating every second of it. I want warm weather and all that jazz again. This makes no damn sense, I am wearing damn thermal everything. I mean it! I am wearing thermal pants, shirt and damn socks! Why the hell am I still cold? This sucks! And now I will be riding a damn bike in the middle of winter because of the looming transit strike. Don't they know if they strike everyone strikes! I can't afford to strike! I need my little four pennies I make every two weeks. This ain't fair. I mean I understand why they have to strike, but damn it give them what they ask for! They do it for sanitation, why not transit! I know one thing, if they do go on strike I will be choking the hell out someone! Cause I won't know until I wake up the next damn morning that I will now have to walk a good two miles to get my son to school! And damn it the way they are trying to charge me so much money *Prince will be attending every day of school even if we have to start walking from 4 in the morning!
posted by JamaicanQueen at 2:10 PM | Permalink | 2 comments
Monday, December 12, 2005
I am not made of money

*Prince's school trying to take me for all my damn money. On Friday, he came home with a paper stating that his school is hosting a dinner and all parents are responsible for paying for the tickets whether we go or not. Now if the tickets were cheap then I probably wouldn't be complaining but these damn tickets are like $500 each. I so want to tell them to suck a dick and lick balls! I can't afford that shit. That and they tell me now that the school has been having PTA meeting and all parents are enrolled (which isn't a bad thing) but the tell me that there are damn PTA dues. And it seem that I am late in payments. I want to know how I am late in payments when no one told me there were any dues until damn Friday. They can kiss my entire ass after a good healthy shit! I can't believe this shit! I am not made of money. The money I make barely pays my damn bills now. These people don't know if I suck dick or sell ass to get his tuition and it doesn't seem like they really care, and that ain't right. Before they come up with all these damn add on's they need to think maybe people don't have this type of money. Hell last year they got me on some, donate some money for the school to get new dry-erase boards for the classrooms. I have yet to see one damn board! Not to mention, I have to pay for his standardized test in the beginning of the year, every year. I can't do it! I think I am going to spend my damn lunch break looking up charter schools for *Prince. Cause the Queen has no damn cash!!
posted by JamaicanQueen at 10:26 AM | Permalink | 2 comments
Friday, December 09, 2005

Today I was waiting for *Beloved to come out of his appointment at the doctor's office. As I was waiting, I noticed this lady with a very young baby. A very new baby. Now normally I cringe at the sight of all things infantile, since having my son. Not that I don't love my son, but I damn sure don't want anymore kids. Well...That is until today. I saw this little boy and I swear it was like my heart of ice melted. I swear I usually want to run when I see children, I mean just totally run in the opposite direction. I love kids, I just never wanted any. But since I was little I felt this way. While I was pregnant with my son, I wanted a girl real bad. But I got a boy, and I was content with that. Did think about having another child with his father but we had so many issues that I quickly changed my mind. Today looking at that little boy, I think I want one. It is scary to think that in fact if I told *Beloved he would run for the hills. Call me to tell me he was running and then hop a plane to get further away. I want another child before *Prince is too old to really bond with the child. My mother had me and my sister 10 years apart and I don't have much of a bond with her. I see her as an annoyance and she sees me as a wallet. I know at this point I am not equipped to handle another child but it doesn't stop the new and sudden longing for one. Maybe I'm just hormonal and the feeling will go away in a few days.
posted by JamaicanQueen at 2:12 PM | Permalink | 5 comments
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
What kind of shit is this!!
Man Struck by Car, Ticketed Later Dies

WASHINGTON (AP) -- A 73-year-old man who received a $5 jaywalking ticket after he was struck by a car later died from his injuries, police said Monday.

Charles Atherton, a former secretary of the U.S. Commission on Fine Arts that advises the government on architecture and design in official Washington, was hit Thursday while crossing busy Connecticut Avenue. He died Saturday night at George Washington University Hospital.

Although witnesses said he was badly injured and unresponsive at the scene, police issued him the ticket. His family found it with his belongings when they went to the hospital.

"We knew it was a serious injury, but we didn't know it was life-threatening," police Capt. Willie Smith told The Washington Post in a story for Tuesday editions. He said officers would not have issued the ticket "if we knew he was going to die."

Police said they determined Atherton was at fault when he was hit by a car driven by a 31-year-old woman.

Atherton was secretary of the presidentially appointed commission for 40 years and reviewed countless proposed monuments and projects in the capital, including the Franklin D. Roosevelt Memorial, the Vietnam Veterans Memorial and the National World War II Memorial.

Well damn at least he made it to the damn hospital. What the hell how the hell are you gonna ticket the man while he's lying on the damn floor. The person who gave the poor old man a ticket deserves to be fired.
posted by JamaicanQueen at 6:03 PM | Permalink | 2 comments
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Christmas Time is here

It is that time of year again where people go damn near broke trying to get friends and family presents. I hate this time of year. I hate it because I have 7 damn sisters and brothers. The good thing is that most of them were raised Jehovah's Witnesses and "say" that they don't believe in Christmas. I have one thing to say about that....They lie! They won't give you a damn gift but they damn sure will accept one. They just say give them the present before or after Christmas so it doesn't seem like they are taking presents on the holiday. That's like a Muslim saying yeah just give me one more cup of egg nog for the road. That is some damn bull shit. Not to mention that my siblings have very expensive tastes. Shoot I would love to have expensive tastes but I have never tasted expensive. DAMN IT I would like some. Not to mention damn it most of us girls have kid now ( yes I said kid and not kids, we have damn near vowed not to have any more). I can't afford these little bastids! I got my own I can't buy things for. But I guess you know like they say it is better to give than receive.....You know what I would love to find out who the hell says that shit!! I like receiving and it feels mighty damn good! I want gifts too! Hell even if it is a construction paper card made by *Prince. In fact the first one he made me when he was in Pre-K for Valentine's Day made me weep like a little girl. In fact I still get all choked up about it. I ain't expensive, don't get me wrong I like nice things too but still. This Christmas I shall try not to dig my own grave by purchasing everything known to man for everyone else and their momma. This Christmas I am broke!
posted by JamaicanQueen at 2:15 PM | Permalink | 2 comments
Monday, December 05, 2005
King Kong aint got nothing on herI
I was doning my usual surfing during English class and this is something I tripped across. I never liked the movie King Kong as a child for the same reasons I never liked damn Tarzan. Shark-Fu may become a new must read.
posted by JamaicanQueen at 10:17 AM | Permalink | 0 comments
Dirty Mind Test

Come on now. It took me a good ten minutes to find out that there was something else in this picture. People at my job were staring at me like I was a pervert for how long I was looking at this thing. They say that if you either are a child or have a child-like mind you wont see the people but something else. I guess I'm a jolly old pervert cause for a while all I could think about was sex. And that's bad compared to how often I think about it now. I'll tell ya'll later what the other picture is.
posted by JamaicanQueen at 9:48 AM | Permalink | 2 comments
Friday, December 02, 2005
All Right Ya'll

I broke down and finally changed the site a bit. I know it is nothing spectacular but hey it will be my new home for a few. Or until I get the hang of damn HTML. I really need someone to teach me that shit. I want a pretty pretty site like the ones I see other folks have. But on with my life.

I went to the movies with *Beloved yesterday. We saw the new Harry Potter movie. I know I am such a little kid. Yes it was my idea. But tonight we are going to see Aeon Flux. I have only seen the trailer like one time but he says that it was a adaptation from a comic book. I guess it'll be good. I gotta break it to my baby that I failed a test. I wanna cry. The good thing is the teacher said he knew that I wasn't feeling well that day and will give me a make over since I usually get 90s and 100s on the other tests he's given. I feel so damn low about that. But hey what can I do. I think I passed the test I took today for the same class. I know I did well because it was all math and I am so the bomb at math. I only like math because you can see where you went wrong. Well no bitch-fest today. So peace, love and all the good hair grease for the locs.
posted by JamaicanQueen at 4:46 PM | Permalink | 0 comments