Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Reincarnation offers hope to many. If we don't get it right in this life, we have another chance the next time around. Yet, even those who believe in reincarnation admit that the vast majority of humans do not remember their previous lives. How can we learn from our past mistakes if we cannot remember them? We seem to make the same mistakes over and over again. Given the moral failure rate of human history, do we have any reason to hope that we will get it right in a future lifetime?
Reincarnation also claims to insure justice. According to the law of karma (an unbending and impersonal rule of the universe), we get what we deserve in every life. Our good and bad deeds produce good and bad results from lifetime to lifetime. With karma, there is supposedly no unjust suffering, because no one is innocent. All suffering is deserved on the basis of bad karma. The baby born without legs deserved it, as did the woman who was raped. We all carry our karma into each life. There is no grace, no forgiveness, no mercy. Not only is this is not good news for those burdened down with the weight of a troubled conscience, but karma also conflicts with our moral sense that some suffering is undeserved and deserves our pity and our actions to alleviate it.

Taken from here

I have been thinking a lot about Karma and I have always felt that everyone at some time gets his or her just desserts at some point. I just thought that it would happen in this life time. Or actually I never really gave much thought to a person having another life time, past or future.

I guess I have been thinking about my own personal karma and how it is affecting me and those around me. Like my mother never raised me, my grandmother did; and I never gave much thought to the idea that my mother might not be happy about the fact that I call my grandmother Mama. In fact, even if it did bother her I probably wouldn't have cared at all. Not that I call her by her first name, I call her Mother only because that is who she is and I give her that much respect. But now, I went through my own personal hell on Earth to make sure that I raised my son and he treats me like I am not his mother. When I tell him to do something, he'll run to his father or his Nana like I didn't speak to him. Then when I snatch his ear and make him do what I said his father will want to intervene and that drives me crazy. I don't do that shit to him. If I don't like what he said or did then I talk to him about it after *Prince is out of the room.

But the Karma isn't just my relationship with my son. It is my relationship with everyone. I never had many friends, well I have tons of associates. People I would give money if they needed it, but no one I would really ask. I have always kept myself guarded and my real emotions about things hidden even from those very close to me, or so they thought they were. *but that is another entry* I guess I have to pay for the fact that I would snub my nose at attempts at friendship from some people. Don't get me wrong, I am a very outgoing person. I seem to make friends easily but I let cut them off as soon as I feel they are getting too close.

I let very few people in to see the real me. In fact, this blog is probably the only out I have at voicing my real feelings. I can count on one hand how many people I have allowed to know me on a real level. And two of the three have hurt me deeply. So I am real cautious about who I let see inside of my head. I don't think I will allow anyone else to get to know me that way again. Having what you tell people when you are hurt thrown in your face is the most degrading thing in the world. I would rather be slapped to the ground. At least then the sting fades and the bruise goes away. The pain from words spoke in vengeance to hurt; hurt the listener forever.

I guess my karma for pushing everyone away is finally catching up with me in that; I now am looking around and seeing that I don't have many friends or family to turn to. I don't have many people in my life who will share with me my joys about anything nor do I have anyone to share with me my sorrows. I guess my wall of detachment is starting to crumble.
posted by JamaicanQueen at 7:02 PM | Permalink | 5 comments
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Smoke and Ashes...

I'd heard rumors and I'd heard talk
About the trail you'd left of broken hearts
About the sea of tears too wide to cross
But a little bad press has never scared me off
So I burned a path to figure out
How to get me some of what you got
I've got a red hot heart
If the talk is true yours is the same
And we should be together
And let our passions fan love's flame

When I looked for you I almost passed you by
You were so cool and calm I thought my friends had lied
But I thought so much reserve must make you wild inside
It was there and then that I knew I had to get some of what you got

I've got a red hot heart
If the talk is true yours is the same
And we should be together
And let our passions fan love's flame

I thought I'd won your heart when I held you hand in mine
I thought it was true love the way we complemented each other
But my right is your wrong
And when you're right then I'm left with nothing
Your light and your heat have all been spent
Leaving only smoke and ashes
Only smoke and ashes baby

I've got a red hot heart
Any your heart's as blue as the blood in your veins
I say there's fire down below
You say it's only smoke and ashes baby

I'm crying all the time
Salty stinging tears
And mourning for the past carbon-dated years
But knowing now for certain that you were always right
Because if a breeze could blow you out of my life
It's only smoke and ashes baby
Only smoke and ashes baby

I've got a red hot heart
And your heart's as blue as the blood in your veins
I say there's fire down below
You say it's only smoke and ashes baby

I was blinded by devotion
My unwavering love for you
So blinded that I thought all your lies were true
But now I know for certain since you've gone away
It was just a smoldering fire I mistook for a blaze
Only smoke and ashes baby

I've got a red hot heart
And your heart's as blue as the blood in your veins
I say there's fire down below
You say it's only smoke and ashes baby
Only smoke and ashes baby, baby...
posted by JamaicanQueen at 4:37 PM | Permalink | 1 comments
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Stolen from Nikki...again....
1.WOULD YOU GET BACK WITH YOUR EX IF YOU COULD? Well since we just broke up on know I have no idea. He gave me some thread bare reasons for the "break" as he put it.

2. WHAT KIND OF SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? I am wearing a USMC long sleeve t-shirt. Never been in the military but I have shirts from all the branches.



5. HOW MANY PEOPLE ON YOUR BLOG ROLL DO YOU KNOW/HAVE YOU MET IN REAL LIFE? Well I used to have BklynNative on my roll, but she doesn't post anymore.

6. HAVE YOU EVER PLAYED ANY SPORTS? I used to swim in High School.

7. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT TO HAVE? Well I have one right now. If I am to have anymore kids, I would have liked to have had them already. But if I do have anymore it would have to be a girl to make it two.

8. DO YOU HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH BOTH YOUR PARENTS? Um...well I speak to them every so often. And I don't hate them. Does that count?

9. DO YOU MAKE OVER 40K A YEAR? BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-----SOB!!! I wish. I'd be able to afford toilet paper and bathsoap in the same pay period.

10. WHAT NAME WOULD YOU WANT TO HAVE BESIDES THE ONE YOU HAVE? I used to hate my name as a child but that was only because people acted as if they could't pronounce it correctly. Now I know they were just stupid.


12. WHAT IS YOUR MOTHER'S NAME? Iolyn....kinda sounds like Ireland.

13. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BDAY? I went to work and then school, after that I went home washed my ass and let my son fall asleep in my lap.

14. WHAT'S YOUR MAIN RINGTONE ON YOUR PHONE? My phone is always on vibrate.

15. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP? I wake up every morning at 6 a.m.

16.WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT MIDNIGHT TWO NIGHTS AGO? Two nights ago at midnight I was playing the Sims 2 on my computer. I am so addicted.


18. DO YOU LIKE HAVING YOUR HAIR PULLED? Damn straight, but there is an art to it. You can't be pulling like you are trying to snatch me bald.

19. NAME SOMETHING YOU CAN'T WAIT TO DO? I can't wait to finally be happy. Everything else is secondary.

20. LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR MOM? I think it was sometime in April.

21. DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR SIBLINGS? Well I have seven. One I don't speak to because she lives in Georgia and hell she doesn't call me. But the others live here and we speak often.

22. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WISH YOU COULD CHANGE ABOUT YOURSELF? I would say that I would have a surgery to remove my c-section scar but wouldn't that just make another one?

23. IF YOU HAD $250,000...HOW WOULD YOU SPEND IT? I would pay off my damn bills. Then I would take the rest and put a down payment on a condo.

24. WHICH BLOGGERS ON YOUR BLOGROLL WOULD YOU HANG OUT WITH? Well not sure, probably all of them just to put a face to words.

25. HAVE YOU EVER READ THE BLOGGER NEWS PAGE? Blogger has a news page??? Where is it??

26. LAST PERSON YOU CALLED? I called BklynNative this morning. She is gonna have to help me pay my damn phone bill, she needs to learn how to answer her phone when I call her and my minutes are free!! I know you reading this you heifa!!

27. LAST THING YOU ATE? I had an Asian salad from McDonalds this afternoon.

28. WHATS YOUR FAVORITE MONTH? That's easy October, my birth month. Libras are the bomb!!!

29. YOUR LEAST FAVORITE MONTH? Any when it is colder than 65 in the morning.

30. WHAT'S THE LAST PIECE OF CLOTHING YOU BORROWED FROM ANY ONE?? My sister's shoes. I hate those shoes, the moo-cow tricked me into wearing them so I could break them in. My tooties were hurting all night. If see her anytime soon I'm gonna kick her in the ass!

31. WHO IS GETTING ON YOUR NERVES RIGHT NOW? Surprisingly, no one. I am surprised my damn self. I just want my damn money

32. MOST VISITED WEBPAGE? I have a few. They are hotghettomess,i-am-bored and the links on my page.

33. LAST PERSON YOU TEXT MESSAGED? The last person I texted was my son's father,DAMMITMAN.

34. LAST PERSON THAT MADE YOU SAD? That would be *Beloved, yeah I still call him that, but only because I gave him that name before he was mine. The name just fit him and he always answered it.

35. WOULD YOU TAKE A BULLET FOR YOUR BEST FRIEND? umm....I'm like Mocha on this one. Where will it land? Will it be fatal? What did she do to have someone aiming for her? Couldn't we just run? I mean I got a baby, and BklynNative ain't got no kids. I'll scrap for her but do I have to get shot. That looks like it hurts!

36. FAVORITE TYPE OF DRINK? It depends on my mood. Right now I cold really go for a Blue Motherfucker

37. FAVORITE FOOD? Hey I did this. It would have to be curried anything. I love some curry, it stains the clothes and the fingers when you make it but it sure is good.

38. FAVORITE PIE? I love some sweet potato pie. But store bought, it would have to be the Hershey's Sundae pie from Burger King.

39. HAVE YOU BEEN TO EUROPE? Not in this life time.

40. IF SOMEONE YOU HATED DIED, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? If I hated them I wouldn't know. I don't keep track of folk I don't care for. I could give less than a fuck about folk I would hate.

41. DO YOU OWN A DIGITAL CAMERA? I wanna get one, but there is that money issue again.

42. ARE YOU IN LOVE? The funny things is I was, but now I am too hurt to be. Oh I love him plenty but I am no longer in that stage of being in love.
posted by JamaicanQueen at 4:41 PM | Permalink | 6 comments

sorry to all of you who have to read the following rant....

In March I had a performance review and it went successfully and everything. I was supposed to get a raise. For some damn reason my supervisor wanted to wait to submit my paperwork so that he could submit it along with someone else who started working here after I did. Now that was like two weeks after me but whatever. I am obviously not happy about that but instead of acting like I have no home training, I dealt with it. My problem is WHY IN THE BLUE FUCK IS MY RAISE NOT ON MY CHECK BY NOW!!!!

sorry for the previous rant. it is just that i would like to have my money. i feel like a pimp, i don't want some or part but all my cash.
posted by JamaicanQueen at 4:09 PM | Permalink | 5 comments
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
As heard on the train...

I was on the train last night coming from school, and I over heard these females talking about how an aunt of theirs has breast cancer. Now this wasn't what stood out to me. It was the fact that one of the females was yelling about how she couldn't live without her hair. She went on about how she would choose to loose her breasts or die before losing her hair. Now if she had a beautiful patch of hair on her head, I might have understood. I would have thought she was stupid any way but still. The female had horrific hair. Don't get me wrong she had hair down to her shoulders but you could see through it! It was stringy and dry and it was two different colors, like she just tried to cover one bad color job with another and failed. Her head looked like a hot steaming pile of mess.

Now me, I would shave my head on the way to the chemo center. Not that I don't love my locs, but damn it, they grow back. I would spit shine my head every morning while praying that I would not have to under go the removal of my breasts. However, I would not be adverse to the removal of my breasts it is just that I grew them in from scratch and I know I would miss them. I have had a lot of fun times with *Thelma and Louise and I know that they would miss me too. But enough of my silliness. I would be loathe to remove any part of my body that wouldn't grow back. Actually, I hate to cut my nails. But still that could just be laziness on my part.
But if the need ever arose that I would need to, I would have everything removed including the arm if it needed to be. I live by the rule "If your right eye offends you, pluck it out".
posted by JamaicanQueen at 3:39 PM | Permalink | 7 comments
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Tooth Fairy???

My son lost his first tooth on Saturday. I am so excited it is such a shame. His father wants to tell him (or should I say has told him) all about the tooth fairy, and I think that is the stupidest thing in creation. Not that I want to be a spoiled sport, it is just that I don't see the point of lying to the children. We don't tell him that Santa Claus still exists. Don't get me wrong we have told him that at one time there was a actual man who gave gifts and the whole nine. But now the person/people who give him gifts are the people who care about him. I don't want to lie to my son because I don't want to have to pay for my son's therapy when he has to be told that all of these little things aren't real and he was lied to for however many years.

I fully intend to keep all of his teeth. I have been told that I am gross but I don't care. I want them. It is amazing to met to see how little his teeth are now and in a few years to see how big they are. The new tooth is bigger than the one he lost and it has little ridges on it and everything. I know that all my teeth fell out but I don't remember them having those little ridges. I am so in love with watching my son grow up. I was looking through his photo album and I was looking at his pictures where her had no teeth. In fact, he had his first birthday without a tooth in his little head. I just knew at the time he was never gonna have any teeth. But after the first one, they all just popped in. Now I just have to find something that will hold his teeth.
posted by JamaicanQueen at 10:07 PM | Permalink | 4 comments
Friday, May 19, 2006
12:48 a.m.
It is over. After a year and me giving myself to him more than I did with anyone else it is over. I'm not bitter just hurt. I didn't get a reason why, or any how comes just "I believe yes".

About three weeks ago, I told *Beloved that I had a problem, that I couldn't understand why all of a sudden he was no longer as attentive to me. Before he would come to my job or my school for no reason other than to see me for a few minutes. That stopped literally so fast I didn't know how to say it. I told him that I wanted to see him more but, all I got after that was less phone calls now.

After a week or so of that, scared to say anything further for what else might happen, I mentioned that. But this time, I asked if he wanted a break. He said no. Nothing improved...I asked why was this happening and all I really got was I'm spending time with my father and I am taking care of some business. I never asked what the business was, I figured if he wanted me to know I would have been told.

Last night I got the "I believe yes" in a text. I wasn't fully awake but hey I had the following morning to read over all of what was texted. I believe I had a couple minute conversation with him but that was more along the lines of why I would like my things from him the following day.

"I believe yes", no real reason was I given as to why. I guess if it was important enough I would have been told.
"I believe yes", maybe I should have gone with my stomach and not even commented on his slow disapearing act...
"I believe yes", could he have done it another way, like wait til I was fully awake.
"I believe yes", as if saying that way makes it more "civil".
"I believe yes", not even a full sentence, I had to ask what was meant.
"I believe yes", one year, and one week shy of three months and it is over.

Will I get over this? It may take a little while but "I believe yes".

UPDATE: I haven't cried about this as of yet. I'm not sure if my stubborn self will allow myself to. But I find it real fitting that it is pouring outside now. The rain hasn't let up since last night. Who says that if you cry, you cry alone. Today, the world is crying with me.
posted by JamaicanQueen at 6:27 AM | Permalink | 4 comments
Wednesday, May 10, 2006

For a few days now I have felt like I am going to cry at the slightest thing. I have been walking around painting a smile on my face when I know that all I want to do is break down and cry. Nothing seems to be working out right for me, everything I am touching seems to just crumble.

My son's birthday in on Sunday and for the first time in his entire life I don't even have enough money to buy him a simple cake. Let alone buy one to make myself. Sunday also happens to be Mother's Day and for me that has enough issues in it.

I'm actually starting to have problems keeping up in school not that the work is too hard but I just can't seem to make myself motivated enough to keep up. And I now I have to do an internship but I really don't want to work for free because I need the money.

With my consort....Well information that he has just dropped into my lap doesn't help me any. But it lets me know that he has other focuses and I should just focus on my own problems instead of trying to fit him in somewhere.

My job doesn't give me enough hours I would leave but even with the few hours I am given it still guarantees me a check. And I am loathe to give that up. People tell me that I should temp because that would give me the chance to gain the experience but a lot of places want me to not be working and I can't afford to give up my job for one that I may or may not have on a stable basis.

I think right now I need to take a little break from blogging. I haven't been blogging like I normally do because I have been going through some things of my own that I really think I should deal with. I don't like how I feel and I don't know how to deal with it. Maybe a little time off will help me find out how.
posted by JamaicanQueen at 1:08 PM | Permalink | 8 comments
Friday, May 05, 2006
Surprisingly Protective of America
AMEN! AMEN! Couldn't have said it any better myself, JQ.


My family (for the most part) went through all the annoying BS of coming to this country legally. But it was worth it. So when we complain about economics, education and healthcare, it’s because we have earned that right! When we expected all the fruits that come from paying taxes, it was because it was ours to expect. It is unthinkable for me to go to France and kick up dust when I don't like something. If I don't like it, then I should leave. France owes me nothing. The US owes me everything because this is my home. I work damn hard to make sure that I can afford to live and die here.

If anyone can come to the US and receive all the same rights and privileges that come with being a citizen, then what is the point of being a citizen? I mean if Jose goes to some foreign country that has different laws, steals something and is about to be punished, is he going to be able to take his ass over the American embassy and plead for help? I know that that was an exaggeration but honestly, where and when are we going to draw the line?

Nothing comes without paying dues. If Jose wants to come from a different country because he didn't like it, does that mean he gets to change parts of our culture? The thousands upon thousands of immigrants who came here during the 1800's and early 1900's (legally) never petitioned to change any element of our pledge. They wanted to integrate. They took the time to appreciate what this country had to offer while not losing their identity. They didn’t ask us to lose ours. Yes, immigrants founded this country. But they came together to form one joint identity. One language (English), one government (democracy), one nationality (American) and ONE PLEDGE (spoken in English).

If Jose doesn't want to pick strawberries anymore then he doesn't have to. The owners will just have to pay DeShawn or Joe Schmoe for it. Yes the owners will have to pay at or above minimum wage. It won't be an ideal situation for the economy at first but guess what, we'll learn to deal. That's life. As much as I dislike the current leaders of our government, I love my country. Jamaica is my heritage but America is the land of my birth. I love it good, bad and ugly. My family loves it too. I'll be damned if someone from another country is going to come here "looking for a better life" and fuck up what they supposedly said they wanted in when they hid in some cargo crate. It's like me moving to live on a commune but I don't want anyone to wear my clothes. What the hell was I expecting? It's a friggin COMMUNE!

Sorry for the ranting. I didn't realize how passionate I was about this.

Disclaimer: The use of the name “Jose” was not meant to be derogatory. Rather since Hispanics do make up the majority of the immigrants in this country, I wanted to use a general name to represent all immigrants.

posted by Sharon Gail at 12:03 PM | Permalink | 3 comments
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Alright it has been a minute..

I have been gone for a minute because I have had to sit down and look at the state of events. The other day illegal immigrants banded together to show the country how much they were needed by leaving their jobs and marching. Over 11 million showed up and showed their pride and demanding to become legal citizens. This might have worked had they not insisted on waving their country of birth's flag. What in the hell were they thinking?? How in the hell can you say you want to join a country but you are showing the government that you are from somewhere else??? You are telling me that you are American too, but you are waving another country's flag in my face. This is a damn insult!!! Where in the hell was the damn F.B.I. and I.N.S. when these people were walking the damn streets??? These bastids need to go the hell home. I don't want to hear how them working and sending all their money home makes this economy better because it doesn't!! You are here illegally!! You are not paying any damn taxes here, how are you helping this country! I scrub my own toilet. And I get my fruit from the Korean man who came here legally. Now don't get me wrong I don't think that they should be considered felons but still and all go home!! This is not a bash on immigrants who came here legally and worked hard to learn the language and assimilate. This is to the ones who come here and work here and live here for 30-odd years and refuse to speak English. But then get mad when signs aren't translated into Spanish, or what ever the fuck language you speak. I couldn't move (or should I say sneak myself) into Japan and not expect to have to learn at least some damn Japanese. Fuck it, who am I kidding? I would have to fucking become fluent in that shit in order to live and expect to survive!!!! Why the fuck is that shit acceptable here??!!

I am tired of hearing how only immigrants take the jobs Americans don't want. No that is not true. They take the jobs that we won't take because of the pay. The people who hire illegal immigrants use them for cheap labor. They pay them a nickel a week and the scared and not wanting to be deported immigrants take the job. How dare they sneak into the country and demand health insurance. I worked two damn jobs for a year and still can't get any. What kind of shit is that?

Now they are making talks about the American National Anthem being made into Spanish. This is shit. I am not insulting anyone who is Hispanic but damn it this makes no damn sense. You are not going to France and hearing talks of them changing their anthem into another damn language. Why doesn't Mexico change their anthem since all of their citizens want to move here? Why don't they just ask to be made a state. Alright that's going a little far but still the point is made. I understand translating it so that it can be understood in other languages but only after you learn to sing it in English!! I speak French and have translated [the French national Anthem] into English only for a better grasp of what I was saying not so I could sing that thing in English.

I have nothing against any immigrants, all I am saying is that if they want the rights of being a citizen then they should go about this the right way. Them pulling this stunt is a slap in the face of everyone who has ever gotten a green card legally. This is a kick in the ass to anyone who has every left their family for years trying to earn enough to sponsor the rest of his or her family to join them. My own family has done this, so this whole demand for equality is like spitting in the face of my grandparents who struggled to give their children (and therefore their grand children and so on) a better life.
posted by JamaicanQueen at 6:50 PM | Permalink | 3 comments